It’s a simple concept… When I used to get upset as a kid, my Mom and Dad used to tell me… deep breaths, deep breaths… and I would eventually calm down. I used to get upset whenever I couldn’t do anything, like something from school for example. I’d also get upset when I lost a big game, like in the playoffs, when I was pitching in our baseball game back in the day. Just crying and crying in our basement… my Dad running water on my head, telling me to calm down, telling me to breathe… When my son started school, they had a thing called “belly breaths”; it was the same concept. I believe it was in kindergarten, when the teacher told the kids, anytime they were upset, to take belly breaths… deep breaths, that caused your belly to move in, move out. Of course, I thought that was a good idea. Or how about Karate Kid, with the in, out… in, out… Mr. Miyagi teaching Daniel-son to breathe while doing his unorthodox training tasks. Yes, breathing is… kind of important.
As we were dealing with the fact that my mother had just passed away, and walking in and out of the house, our neighbors came by. On the street I grew up on, there are still many of the same families; they had kids that we grew up with too. They knew our family pretty well. My next door neighbor, who would eventually go to the same high school as me, who I would tutor in math at some point, came over; he was busted up too after hearing the news. When his mother came out, she gave us big hugs, and gave us some advice: remember to breathe. I kind of scoffed at it initially in my head, like OK… like we’re going to forget to breathe? I didn’t get it. Later that evening, after the fire department came back and officially pronounced her, after the cops came by and interviewed us like in The Fugitive, after the funeral home came and took my Mom away in a bag, after we made it back home for the evening, it hit me. I was sitting/laying on the couch, watching TV, and I was short of breath… I had to… breathe. Wow, she was right.
Since this has happened, I’ve had to “breathe” a lot. Many times throughout the days/nights, I feel short of breath, and have to take a deep breath to regulate; sometimes, it takes a couple of deep breaths to calm down. It’s not like I consciously feel like I’m not breathing, or getting short of breath… it just sort of hits me, and a big deep breath is required to continue. Man… I do feel my chest; it’s kind of tight; there’s like a dull pain. It’s like… my heart hurts; that makes sense to me. My heart DOES hurt. It’s like… a piece of my heart has been taken from me… a piece of my heart is missing. This piece will never return, regardless of when/how the new normal starts to set in… I can breathe all I want… and I plan on breathing for a good long time… but… I will never be the same.
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